A Love Letter to my Fat Self
I’ve lost 55 lbs. This is some advice for my younger self.
Dear me,
Great news! I’ve become a lot skinnier. I’ve lost 55 lbs and I am finally feeling fit! The last time my body had such a low weight, I was in primary school.
I can barely believe it, can you? Your dreams have become a reality after almost 20 years. Those years were full of feeling ashamed of yourself and your looks. You’ve been scared that everyone sees you as a loser. Although you’d always put on your most courageous face, you felt like a failure on the inside.
Now, those negative feelings are gone! Maybe I should feel like an all times winner, but in reality, I don’t. Instead, I am sorry that I have ever felt so much self hatred. See, I am not a winner, because there was no one to beat.
I’ve never imagined that losing all the extra weight will bring me so much self-love, self compassion which I must share with you, my dearest former fat self.
Please, please, listen to my letter now: the only one who has bad feelings regarding your body is you. You are the only thief of joys in your life. By daydreaming of becoming a different version of you, you are missing out on your life at the moment.
Look around. Notice how no one is really looking at you. Because they are busy with themselves, just like you are. I have to repeat this, so you can remember for good: everybody else, including skinny people (that is what I have become, remember? 😊), sees, thinks and obsesses only about themselves. Nobody else cares if you had a salad or a burger for today’s lunch. Nobody else cares if your pants are in a size S or XL or XXXXXL.
So, please, pause for the moment and rethink your reality. If you want to change, I beg you to start with these 3 steps first:
- Stop now with hiding while eating something sweet. Or just don’t hide when eating, period.
- Stop right now with obsessing over the number on scale. There is so much more to life and relationships than this terrible number. Let yourself live fully for once. That muffin top has defined who you are and what you do in life for far too long.
- Let shirt be just a piece of cloth covering your tummy. Not more, not less. Yeah, ok, you are wearing an XXL shirt today. So what?
How can I (Another skinny person, who doesn’t get your battles, huh?), tell you to just stop worrying when you dread dressing up every single morning? I know, an early morning is the time, when you realize -day after day- that nothing fits anymore. You have this constant feeling that there is nothing left to wear in your wardrobe, because everything is two or three sizes smaller than should be. You hate shopping again and again for bigger sizes, but you have to.
Guess what? You will still have the same problem, even if you lose weight. Your pants will become baggy, T-shirts will go all the way to the knees, even your shoes will become lose and therefore fall off your feet when walking. So, constant shopping for a different size will not end even if you change.
Yes, your body will change dramatically. But you won’t get this sexiest version of flat tummy and skinny thighs that you have always envisioned for yourself. It will rather be a soft tummy with shaky skinfold and narrow hips with prominent bones. You will also lose all the curves. Instead, expect to get a sad triptych of loose skin under your butt cheeks and a flat breast with two little baggy and empty sacks you used to call boobs.
The point I am trying to say to you is to please, please, stop waiting to become skinnier in order to feel good in your body. You are sexy as you are. You have appealing feminine figure, a proper cleavage and a round butt. Yes, you have this Booty and be proud of it!
I am not saying you should not change. Please, do. It will make you be much healthier and give you more energy. And you deserve to be healthy and strong. I am writing to ask you to be kind and patient with yourself in the process.
Because you can do it. You are persistent enough. You have the knowledge. When you will go under 150 lbs and write it into a diary, you will also add “what the f*ck” beside that entry. It will amaze you of how far you’ve come. And, just imagine, this will be only your half-way of losing weight.
However, it will take time. You won’t even notice when it happens. You will lose a pound or two every month. Sometimes the scale will show +0,5 and then it will drop for 1,5 lbs. Whatever may be the number, your primary task is to stay kind and patient with yourself. Instead of obsessing over results, work on your attitude towards food. Stop, or at least reduce, the amount of food you eat when combating different emotions. Stop using your love for food as a constant excuse for emotion (over)eating.
Love yourself first. After taking care of yourself, you can still love your food. The smell, the taste, the crunchy feeling, the warmth in your mouth, love it all. See this hunger for everything edible as your major asset and keep cooking from scratch as much as you can. In order to lose a lot of weight, you will cook a lot. Prepare for the long days spent in the kitchen, when you will feel like your life consists solely of pots and pans.
When you decide to eat only cooked food, you won’t have much choice to snack around. When everybody else is buying those convenience sandwiches, granola or protein bars, you will patiently wait to come home and cook. Cooking is your superpower. Let cooking be your form of self-love. With cooking, you will learn to prioritize you and meals you prepare for yourself.
Also, take it slow and start with food and attitudes toward eating first. No need to rush to the gym until you feel ready to move. Pay attention to these words: I said “ready to move”, not “ready to sweat”, or anything else that would resemble to punishing yourself.
When food will not be your emotional refuge anymore, you won’t feel the need to exercise in order to correct your overeating habits. Strenuous hiking will become a joyful escape to fresh air, sweaty running after your kids a playful party and wearing swimwear to go to the pool will only bring you pure enjoyment of feeling water on your skin.
I can’t wait for you to discover this form of freedom! But for the time being, become kinder to yourself and remain strong. I will wait for you on the lower side of the scale.
With much love,
Tadeja
